I learned yet another lesson this weekend. One that I think that every woman that believed at one time or another that she needed someone else to tell her that she was good enough.
As you all know I have come to a huge crossroads in my life. One that is very defining. One where Christ is now leading me and this world is getting clearer. My past has been filled with many people of whom I would have called “friends”. Some of these friendships eventually got out of control…not because of the person involved, but because of my own self esteem issues. I never felt good enough. I have been battling this since I was a child. And more and more each day it is being revealed to me why I felt that way and how wrong that feeling was. And along the way I made friendships and did things that had I not felt the way I did probably never would have happened.
After some time and meeting my crossroads I have been purging my life of people, thoughts and things that I thought and some point I needed in order to define myself. The Anthony Robbins of the world would call these people, thoughts and things patterns. So in other words…I am changing my patterns.
Sometimes when you think that you are there, that you finally have gotten rid of all those patterns of the past one jumps up and bites you in the ass only to get you thinking again. This of course happened to me this weekend and that is why I want to write this note.
For you it might seem frivolous, but for me its big. I had a call from one of these “friends.” This person is a good person and I have nothing bad to say about him, but my patterns caused me grief. I am in an amazing relationship with an amazing man. But this friend called up and we talked for probably 15 minutes. He told me about all that’s going on in his life and for him I am happy. The call ended and I thought nothing of it. But then I got a private message. He had thanked me and then jumped back into calling me an old nickname which once upon a time was fun. What I didn’t realize is that by allowing this person to go on like nothing in my life has changed that what I was doing was making him believe that I had not changed. That I was still up for things and conversations that I truly am not up for.
I didn’t see it at the time, but when you sit back and think of the entire picture, when you want drastic changes in your life you must do drastic things to change your patterns. Being a good person is great, but you have to be good to yourself too.
I used to say I am not perfect and I would believe that. But God made me. God put me here. And Jesus died because I (we) am a sinner and the only way to ever become perfect is through Jesus. And one of things I am learning is that when something from the past bites you in the ass…just learn from it. Know that it’s a sign that God wants you to see and change your patterns so that you heart can be full.
I had a 6 hour drive this weekend and in those 6 hours I cried, I rejoiced, I prayed and gave thanks because what I see happening is God giving me all I need…and showing me the way to change those things that are not good for me.
I hope that if you are someone that never felt good enough that you take on board the understanding that if you weren’t you wouldn’t have been put here and you wouldn’t have been given all the lessons you’ve been given to change your patterns.
Melanie Eatherton 2011
